


Sorry

by LilliputianDuckling



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fuck Sazed (The Adventure Zone), M/M, Threats of Violence, Victim Blaming, author is working through some shit, i cant believe i accidentally wrote a 5+1 Things fic, projecting onto fictional characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 12:34:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12132609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilliputianDuckling/pseuds/LilliputianDuckling
Summary: Alternately titled: 5 times Sazed apologized, and 1 time Kravitz did.In which "sorry" can be the most insidious word in the world.





	Sorry

It started over something small. A little off-hand comment from Taako, nothing really meant to be a thing, but it became one.

 

He’d called a tomato a vegetable.

 

“For the last time, it’s a fucking fruit!”

 

“I don’t see you using it in a fruit salad!”

 

“It’s science, Taako! This isn’t something you can just change because you want to!”

 

“What the fuck makes it a goddamned fruit?! It’s a savory flavor!”

 

“That’s so stupid, Taako!”

 

Taako had tried hard to keep Sazed from seeing the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. But they were standing in the middle of the market with no quick escape, and Taako wound up staring down at his boots with a wobbling lip and tears rolling down his cheeks.

 

Sazed’s gentle hand clasped Taako’s arm, carefully leading the elf away from nosey onlookers.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Taako.” Sazed whispered into his ear as the elf sniffled under his arm.

 

“I’m f-fine, bubala….”

 

“I made you _cry_ ….”

 

“It’s stupid. I’m just… stressed, ‘s all.”

 

**###**

 

“I’m sorry, love.” Taako said through a fit of giggles, poking at Sazed’s attempt at apple pie with a fork. The black lump whined. “It was a valiant effort.”

 

Sazed’s face looked thunderous, cheeks puffed out and chest rising and falling. The smile dropped from Taako’s face. He tried to force it back, cutting into the Decidedly Not Pie. He stuck a piece into his mouth.

 

“It’s… not really _that_ bad, my dude.” He said around the mouthful, holding his hands up. “A little charcoal never hurt anybody.”

 

Sazed didn’t say anything at first. He stomped back to the counter and yanked the plate off it, storming to the trashcan and dumping the whole thing into it with a shattering of glass. Taako backed up until his back hit the wall, looking anywhere but at Sazed.

 

“You know, Taako, I worked really fucking hard on that!” Sazed snapped, his back to the elf. “I know it seems like things don’t bother me, but they do. I want you to be honest with me, but you don’t have to be such a - !” Sazed turned to face him, and his face dropped at the sight of Taako cowering in the corner of the caravan.

 

“Oh, Taako…”

 

Taako let out a shuddering gasp, still refusing to look at Sazed. Tears tumbled down his cheeks and his body shook with the expectation of violence he still hadn’t shaken from living with mercenaries in his formative years. This was stupid. He was being stupid. It’s just Sazed. Sazed would never hurt him.

 

“Taako, I’m so sorry…. You just made me so mad…. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

 

Hands reached out to clasp Taako’s face. Taako darted forward to crush Sazed into a hug, burying his face in the man’s shoulder so that he didn’t have to look at him. He cried into Sazed’s chest as the other man brushed his hair and whispering into his ear: “Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

 

“It’s s’upid…” he muffled into Sazed’s shoulder.

 

“Sorry….”

 

**###**

 

“You want me to do what?”

 

“Yeah, the Silverviews want to see the show. I said we’d do a personal one for them tomorrow morning.”

 

“Sazed, you can’t just _decide_ that. I don’t have anything prepared.”

 

“Then just do one of your other shows.”

 

“I don’t have any more ingredients from the last few shows!”

 

“Then transmute some!”

 

“Oh, yeah, that’s a fucking great idea, I’ll just _transmute_ all my ingredients out of some dirt and rocks for the _Silverview_ family.”

 

“This is a huge opportunity for us, Taako. I am _asking_ you to do this! For us!”

 

“You couldn’t have told me about this, mmm, several hours ago?! It’s late! I’m tired, Sazed.”

 

“I do so much for you!”

 

“Ugh! Can you listen to me for, like, one _fucking_ second?”

 

“I never ask you for anything!”

 

“God! Fine!”

 

Taako grabbed his hat and cloak off the rack, marching toward the door.

 

“ _Where_ are you going?!”

 

“To the fucking _store_!”

 

He slammed the carriage door shut behind himself.

 

Taako returned two hours later with bags of groceries hanging off his arms. He’d gotten to the market as stores were beginning to close, and yeah, he stayed overtime, and yes, he knew the manic smile on the shop clerks’ faces meant they wished he’d get hit by a fantasy bus, but he got the fucking ingredients he needed for a seafood pasta recipe he’d settled on on the walk over.

 

The silence in the carriage was heavy as Taako kicked the door shut and struggled to put the materials in the fridge. Sazed looked up from a book he was reading in his spot on their shared bedroll in the corner of the wagon. His face was stormy, which… well, at some point during Taako’s shopping trip, he may have conjured up the idea that Sazed would be _happy_ he was going out of his way for him.

 

Taako huffed, grumbling to himself as he pulled out a notebook and started a performance outline. It had to be aimed at a wealthy, family-friendly demographic, so that meant none of his usual anti-bourgeois rhetoric or anything along the lines of “fuck me over sideways, that’s a goddamn good fucking lemon sauce.”

 

Sazed set his book down with a solid _thud_. Taako refused to jump. He kept his eyes down on the paper, debating over a (definitely funny! But somewhat unrelated) joke about yeast and rising to the occasion.

 

A pair of hands snaked around his waist, Sazed’s front pressing against his back. Taako relaxed a bit, leaning against him as he chewed on the end of his pen. Sazed’s hand pressed against his abdomen, mouthing at the crook of his neck as Taako struck out the joke from his outline.

 

Sazed tugged at his belt loops, which Taako ignored. He had to think of something to replace it. Something about fish?

 

Sazed sucked on his neck, and Taako frowned, giving him a gentle reprimanding nudge with his elbow. He couldn’t waste a spell slot in the morning covering up a hickie, not with a show for the Silverviews first thing. Was a joke about the “see food” diet too trite?

 

Sazed let go of Taako abruptly and the elf nearly fell over. Taako stabilized himself, jumping as Sazed roughly smacked the fridge as he moved to open it.

 

Taako grabbed the notebook and quickly ducked out of the room to give the other man space. He scurried over to their bedroll and nestled against the pillows with his outline, curling in on himself with the intent of working more when Sazed stormed back out of the kitchen with a coke in one hand.

 

“You know, this is really shitty, what you’re doing right now.”

 

Taako blinked at him. Taako was a piece of shit, yeah, but in this moment he thought he was actually being rather generous. “Um, what?”

 

“I can’t believe you just stormed out on me like that. Do you know how much that hurt? You didn’t even kiss me good bye!”

 

“I had to go, Sazed.”

 

“You just left!”

 

“You made me! I needed groceries for your show, Sazed!”

 

“You shouldn’t have left mad!”

 

“I couldn’t put it off! The stores were closing!”

 

“You shouldn’t have argued with me to begin with! You know, I don’t ask for much, yet you couldn’t just let me have this one thing, and it’s late - !”

 

“Yeah! It’s late! And this is, like, a huge inconvenience for me, Sazed! Do you, like, not understand that? That I’m doing you a favor?”

 

“This is for _us_ , Taako!”

 

“You signed us up for this without asking me! You’re the one that agreed to this show and just - just - just expected me to go along with it!”

 

“Well, I’m _sorry_ I’m such a huge fucking inconvenience for you!”

 

“That’s not what I _said_ , Sazed!”

 

“You stormed out of here, and then you come home, and you won’t give me the time of day - “

 

“Sazed, I have to plan this show! You wanted me to do this, I’m _doing it!_ ”

 

Taako’s voice cracked and he despised himself for it. He bit down hard on his lip, trying to keep it from wobbling, but the damage was done. He saw Sazed scowl and roll his eyes.

 

“And now you’re fucking _crying_ , and I feel like an _ass_ \- “

 

“D-don’t f-f-f-fucking worry about it, my man.”

 

“ _Ugh_.” Sazed crossed his arms, looking away from him. “I’m sorry.”

 

He didn’t sound sorry. But it let Taako shove this conversation under the rug, let him gather himself, let him wash his face, let him finish his outline.

 

Taako didn’t sleep that night. As an elf, he didn’t strictly have to, though he would have loved the rest before his show. He let Sazed have the bedroll to himself, though, keeping himself occupied in the kitchen until sunrise.

 

It seemed the Silverviews’ generous tip for the show didn’t quite justify the night before.

 

**###**

 

Taako was sitting at the front of the wagon with Sazed for once. Sazed held the reigns, directing the pony through the day’s traffic. Taako was leaning against Sazed’s shoulder, watching the scenery go by as they drove, chatting away about anything and everything that came to mind.

 

“You see, the best time to fish is right before a storm comes through, so I was out with a line tryin’ to get me some o’ that good, good bass for a steamed fillet with shallots ‘n garlic when it starts raining.”

 

“Mmhm.”

 

“And I don’t mean a drizzle, I mean it was like the whole goddamn sky opened up, like a pop top just sprung off that joint.”

 

“Fascinating.”

 

Taako side-eyed Sazed, frowning. He resituated himself, trying to get more comfortable. “So, uh, I’ve like… been working on my book, you know?”

 

“Hm.”

 

“I think people will really, uh, like it, when it gets added to the merch table. I think I’ve got some pretty sweet tips goin’ for, you know… life.”

 

Sazed is rolling his eyes now. “I mean, sure, yeah, if you really think you’re gonna finish that….”

 

Taako’s frown deepened. “I mean, Sizzle It Up keeps me pretty busy but I, uh, I’ve been working on it. It’s just, you know, a side project. We both know Sizzle It Up is the brand. Seven Habits is just, you know, a hobby, I guess….”

 

“Well, it’s nice to have hobbies….”

 

Taako twirled a lock of hair around his finger. “I’ve been thinkin’ of adding, like, a cookbook section to it, you know, in the back or something.”

 

“I’m sure people will like it. They’ll be astounded you can write, honestly. Erg! I fucking hate hills, and mud, and - come _on_ , Garyl! _Go_!”

 

“Uh. Yeah, that sucks. It makes driving really, um... difficult.”

 

Sazed snorted. “How would _you_ know?”

 

Taako’s cheeks colored. He didn’t know how to drive a carriage. Sazed knew this. There was lots Taako didn’t know, never learned or… maybe just can’t remember. Like math. Or the correct pronunciation of “macarons.” Sazed did most of the things around the wagon for this very reason, but he didn’t have to be a dick about it.

 

Taako crossed his arms over his chest, staring out over the scenery with a pout. Sazed rocked a bit back and forth in his seat and sighed.

 

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.”

 

“It’s fine….”

 

“No, it’s not. It’s not your fault you’re a few coppers short of a silver.”

 

Taako frowned harder. “Fine, whatever, I forgive you. Can we drop this?”

 

The silence that followed felt suffocating. Taako wanted to finish his story at the lake, or bounce recipe ideas off Sazed for his book, or, or… anything, really. But he got the feeling he was annoying the other man, and he didn’t want Sazed mad at him. He didn’t like fighting with Sazed. He didn’t like fighting with Sazed over dumb shit that didn’t matter. It was easier to just avoid it entirely.

 

Sazed placed a hand on Taako’s thigh, rubbing his thumb in gentle circles against the fabric of his pants. Taako uncrossed his legs and leaned on Sazed’s shoulder again. This was fine. Everything was fine.

 

**###**

 

It started over something small.

 

When didn’t it start over something small?

 

It had been a perfectly normal evening. He and Sazed were checking inventory and counting the money box, sitting across from each other with two pads of paper and two pencils. Taako was more or less making tally marks next to three lists labeled “copper,” “silver,” and “gold” as he sifted through their monetary gains. Taako wasn’t great with numbers, but money was a language he spoke.

 

He was chewing on the end of his pencil, teeth denting and reshaping the metal end piece over and over, occasionally puncturing the wood as he realized they were about three silvers short of what he’d expected. He continued to chew on the pencil as he recounted the coins, once, twice, three times, still coming up three coins short.

 

“Stop that.”

 

Taako wasn’t really listening to Sazed, caught up in his task. Either Sazed miscounted their t-shirt inventory, or some little punk _stole_ from them.

 

“I said stop it.”

 

Taako recounted the copper pieces, thinking perhaps that would make up the difference. He rolled the pencil end between his teeth, glaring down at the pile of coins as his count came back the same.

 

“Damn it, Taako!”

 

Taako startled, dropping his pencil as Sazed’s snapped in half. It all happened in a faction of a second: the snapped pencil, Sazed jumping to his feet, pulling his hand back as if to strike the smaller elf across the face, Taako throwing his arms up to protect his face….

 

The hand didn’t fall. The moment hung in the air, like a photograph stopped in time.

 

Taako slowly uncurled himself, looking up at Sazed still poised to backhand him with cautious betrayal. Sazed’s hand slowly lowered back down to his side and he looked away from Taako. He sunk back to the ground, and Taako fully unfurled, sitting up straight.

 

“What the _fuck_ , Sazed?”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“What the _fuck_?”

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me, I just, I just snapped, I… I’m sorry, Taako, I don’t, I don’t want to hurt you, I just… I’m sorry.”

 

“You’re damn right you’re _sorry_!”

 

“I know, I know! I’m so, so sorry, Taako. I’m just - we’ve been under a lot of stress lately, you know that. The, the, the show’s been getting bigger, and I just, I’m sorry. You understand. It’s the stress.”

 

“We’re both _stressed_ , Sazed!”

 

“You just - you really push my buttons sometimes. I asked you to stop, and you just - I shouldn’t’ve done that. I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t do it again. Don’t you ever fucking do that again.”

 

“I won’t. I promise. I’m sorry.”

 

Sazed never did do anything precisely like that again. Then again, he didn’t have much time to; Glamor Springs happened three weeks later.

 

**###**

 

Things were different, with Kravitz.

 

Taako wasn’t about to say any dumb bullshit about Kravitz being his “everything,” because he wasn’t. Sazed was his everything, and look how that turned out. What he had with Kravitz was so much better than that. Taako had friends, family, an honest to god sister and brother-in-law. Taako wasn’t alone anymore. Kravitz was just a very handsome piece to the bigger puzzle in Taako’s life, one that made him happy and asked him how well he’d slept and if he’d eaten that day.

 

Taako and Kravitz were different people. They were different people with different lives, and that was okay. Things were Realistic. Understanding. Safe.

 

“Taako, can we talk?”

 

And if Taako’s hackles get raised over nothing, well, that’s something they’re dealing with together.

 

Kravitz held both hands up placatingly. “It’s nothing bad,” he said, as Taako began to realize he’d frozen to the spot at his boyfriend’s words. “We don’t even have to talk about it right this second if you’re not ready, it’s just… I think it’s something we should discuss.”

 

“Okay….” Taako replied cautiously. Kravitz crossed the room and sat on the edge of Taako’s bed, lacing his fingers together. Taako sat next to him, eyeing him carefully.

 

“Are you about to ask me how many babies I want, because I’m telling you right now, Angus is e-fucking-nough.”

 

Kravitz chuckled, tucking his hair behind one ear. “No, no, nothing like that. Though I guess that’s good to know? I mean, I’m literally the grim reaper, I think I’d be a pretty distant and shitty dad….”

 

“You’d be awesome at it, and you know that, but so long as we’re on the same page.”

 

“Heh….” Kravitz twiddled his thumbs together. “...Taako? What… what are we going to do when you… die?”

 

Taako stared at him. And then he laughed.

 

“Oh, is _that_ all?”

 

“Taako….”

 

“What brought that on?” Taako asked, reaching for a nail file. He sanded his nails into submission as he spoke. “I’m pretty young for an elf, not counting for the hundred years I didn’t age. I aint dying anytime soon, bubala.”

 

“I know that, Taako, I just… Lucretia and Magnus aren’t getting any younger, so I… have been thinking about it.”

 

Taako froze. Magnus was in his sixties now. Was that right? It seemed impossible that he was only sixty, with the grey in his hair and the wrinkles to his face. Magnus was _old_ , creeping steadily and steadily closer to a heart attack or pneumonia or whatever it is old people die of. Creeping steadily and steadily closer to leaving Taako.

 

“Oh, Taako….”

 

Taako didn’t realize his lip was trembling until Kravitz caressed his cheek. He sniffed and rubbed his nose, looking away from his boyfriend, the embodiment of death.

 

“...Do you need a moment?” Kravitz asked, but Taako shook his head.

 

“Nah, I’m good, bonedog, I just… you know. I know it’s gonna happen eventually, but… I was just a kid when I was Magnus’ age, but he’s got… like… arthritis.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Kravitz whispered. He took Taako’s hand in his and kissed the elf’s knuckles. Taako watched him, confused.

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong, bubala.”

 

Kravitz shrugged. “Still.” The bounty hunter reached over and brushed Taako’s hair out of his face. “Do you… want to keep talking about this?”

 

“Not really… can we put it off for another decade? I meant it when I said I’m gonna live for a long time.”

 

Kravitz chuckled. “Sure. Just, you know, think about what you want when the time comes, yeah? And we can talk about it again when you’re ready.”

 

“Can do.”

 

They went out that evening for dinner at the Olive Garden and a painting class held at a little establishment called Sips and Strokes that Taako couldn’t stop laughing at. They made very bad copies of Starry Night while drinking very large glasses of cheap wine before ending the night stargazing on the quad of Taako’s Amazing School of Magic.

 

And Kravitz kissed him goodnight and told him he loved him, and Taako did the same, and he meant it, and he believed it.

 

It was comfortable. It was realistic. It was safe. And most of all, it was love.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, this got kinda heavy for me, but it was very therapeutic.


End file.
